What do people feel when they grow up. What does a person lose when he grows up? Exit security zone

Faith in Santa Claus and faith in a magic wand that can do everything with one wave. And much more. Opportunity to run around. Build a headquarters on a tree. Possibility to play hide and seek between the garages. Run around with a toy gun in the school garden. Loses purity. And off we go. There is no longer that pure naive soul capable of believing everyone. There was a fried crust of the heart and constant attempts to survive in this world of the strong and the weak. He loses the opportunity to be happy, just looking at the child who smiles at him on the street. Many die never becoming happy, many live unhappy. Everyone says that time has changed, but not time has changed, but people. Many people earn money all their lives, losing health, and then lose money, restoring it. They dream of becoming adults, and when they grow up, they dream of becoming children again ...
When a person grows up, his eyes grow dim. Our lies become more refined, misleading words become more eloquent. We grow up ... We are not afraid to take a step, because we know: all our mistakes will not be fatal. We do not believe the heard “love” and we ourselves are no longer sure that we can sincerely pronounce this word. We can calmly let a person close, close to us, but we don’t let him into our life ... We forgive less and less often and more and more often do not pay attention. We speak calmly and with a smile, but few can read our true thoughts.

We know that you can’t push people away - it really hurts. Therefore, we try to protect those few truly loved ones who are close to us. We still hope that love will warm again, and we try to catch the sincere notes in the heard “I love”. We let ourselves close, close, but not everyone. We try to believe that this person can become a part of our life. And although we forgive less often, this forgiveness is sincere, and we never again speak with resentment about what we have already forgiven for.

It's probably fair to call Henry "unfocused." After graduating from Harvard, he, an overgrown child, returned to his parents' house and immediately realized how hard it is to be a young adult.

Despite graduating from Harvard during the recession, Henry managed to find a teaching job, but after two weeks he decided it wasn't for him and quit. It took him a while to find his calling - he worked in his father's pencil factory, delivered magazines, did more teaching and tutoring, and even moved dung for a while before finding his true calling - writing - and excelling at it. .

Henry published his first book, A Week on the Concord and Merrimack Rivers, when he was 31, having spent 12 years torn between living with his parents, living on his own, and hanging out with a friend who believed in its potential. “[He] is a scientist, a poet, and full of talents, albeit still unopened, like buds on a young apple tree,” his friend wrote, and he was right. He may have made mistakes as a young adult, but Henry David Thoreau is now quite firmly on his feet. (By the way, that friend was Ralph Waldo Emerson.)

This path was not uncommon in the 19th century, at least among white people in the United States. In the lives of young people, periods of independence often gave way to periods of dependence. If this seems surprising, it is only because there is a “myth that the transition to adulthood in the past was more holistic and smooth,” writes University of Texas at Austin professor Steven Mintz in his story about adulthood called The Prime of Life. .

In fact, if you think of the transition to adulthood as a set of different markers - getting a job, moving away from parents, getting married, having children - then history, with the exception of the 50s and 60s of the last century, proves that people became adults as in any unpredictable way.

And yet, these markers remain the accepted markers of adulthood to this day, and when someone takes a long time to acquire them, or when someone decides to forego them, it becomes a cause for lamentation that adults in general no. While complaining about the habits and values ​​of young people is the eternal prerogative of old people, many young adults still feel as if they are living like their parents.

“I think the transition [from childhood to adulthood] is really hard,” says Kelly Williams Brown, author of Adulting: How to Become a Grown-up in 468 Easy(ish) Steps. adults in 468 easy steps") and a blog in which she gives advice on how to navigate adult life.

“It's not just the Millennial generation that's causing problems; Generation X, I think, also had a hard time, as did the Baby Boomer generation. All of a sudden you find yourself in an open world, and you see this insane amount of options, but have no idea which one to choose. Most likely, your mom and dad gave you a lot of advice, and yet you live like a savage who, due to lack of toilet paper, is forced to use Arby wipes.

Age alone does not make anyone mature. But what does he do? In the United States, people marry and have children later in life, but these are just additional attributes of adulthood, and not its very essence. Psychologists talk about the period of protracted adolescence or emerging maturity that people go through between the ages of 20 and 30, but when did you form? What ultimately makes you truly mature?

I decided to try to answer this question to the best of my ability, but I warn you in advance: there is no one answer, there are many complex multifaceted solutions. Or, as Mintz put it, “instead of a confusing explanation, you offer a postmodern one.” Since the outside view is completely useless, I asked readers to tell me when they felt like they were adults (if, of course, they became adults at all), and I included some answers in the article to show both individual cases and a general trend. .

"Becoming an adult" is a more illusory and abstract concept than I thought when I was younger. I just assumed that you reach a certain age, and everything immediately makes sense. Oh, my poor youthful heart, how wrong I was!

Now I'm 28 years old and I can say that sometimes I feel like an adult, but most of the time I don't. Trying to be an adult as a Millennial is wildly disorienting. I can't decide if I should start a non-profit organization, or get another education, or develop a profitable entrepreneurial project, or travel the world and show it on the Internet. For the most part, it looks like trying to get a job that will never let you pay off your student debt in a field you never studied. Then, if one adheres to the generally accepted ideal of what it means to be an adult, then I definitely fall short. I am not married, I do not have a long-term, financially stable career. Realizing that I'm trying to fit myself into completely unrealistic standards - given the economic crisis and the fact that dating someone as a millennial is tiring - it's unfair to judge myself, but I admit, I often fall into this "comparison trap". Sometimes because I just wish I had those attributes, and sometimes just because of Instagram.

I have nothing laid out on the shelves, rather, everything is scattered around the apartment.

(In the original, it was My ducks are not in a row, they are wandering - a reference to the idiom my ducks are in a row, which means planning, the stability of the speaker's life - approx. New what)

Maria Eleusinotis

Maturity is a social construct. For that matter, childhood too. But like any other social constructs, they quite specifically affect our lives. They determine who is legally responsible for their actions and who is not, what roles people can take in society, how people perceive each other and themselves. But even where it should be easiest to tell the difference—legislation, physical development—the concept of adulthood remains difficult.

In the US, you can't drink alcohol until you're 21, but by law, a person becomes an adult at 18, at which time they get the right to vote and the opportunity to join the army. Or not? You can watch adult films from 17. You can generally work from 14, if it is allowed by state laws, and deliver newspapers, babysit or work with parents - often even earlier.

“Chronological age is not a very good indicator [of maturity], but it has to be used for practical reasons,” admits Lawrence Steinberg, eminent professor of psychology at Temple University. - We all know people who are already very wise and mature at the age of 21 or 22, but we also know immature, reckless people. We will not arrange maturity tests to decide whether a person can buy alcohol or not. ”

One way to define adulthood could be the physical maturity of the body - there must be a moment at which a person stops physically developing and officially becomes an "adult" organism?

However, it all depends on how you measure. Puberty occurs after puberty, but it can start anytime from 8 to 13 for girls and 9 to 14 for boys, and that would be "the norm," according to the National Institute of Child Health and Human Development.

The spread is wide, and even if it wasn't, just because you hit puberty doesn't mean you've stopped growing. For centuries, the level of skeletal development has been a measure of maturity. Under the British Factory Act of 1833, the appearance of a second molar (a permanent second molar usually grows in between 11 and 13 years of age) was considered a sign that the child could already work in a factory. Today, x-rays of both teeth and wrists are used to determine the age of refugee children in need of asylum, but both studies are not reliable enough.

The maturity of the skeleton depends on what part of the skeleton we are studying. For example, wisdom teeth appear between the ages of 17 and 21, and according to Noel Cameron, professor of human anatomy at the UK's Loughborough University, the bones of the hand and wrist, which are often used to determine age, mature at different rates. The bones of the wrist complete their development at the age of 13 or 14, and the other bones - the radius, ulna, metacarpals, phalanges - in the period from 15 to 18 years. The bone that reaches maturity last in the body - the clavicle - completes development at the age of 25 to 35 years. And, as Cameron says, factors such as environmental conditions and levels of socioeconomic development can affect the rate of bone maturation, so refugees from developing countries may develop late.

“Chronological age is not a biological marker,” Cameron says. "All normal biological processes are a smooth continuum."

I don't think I've grown up yet. I am a 21-year-old American student, living almost exclusively on my parents' money. For the past few years, I have felt pressure - whether biological or from society - that prompts me to get out of the yoke of parental help. I feel that I will become a real "adult" only when I can financially support myself. Some of the traditional markers of adulthood (18th, 21st) have already passed, and I don't feel more mature, and I don't think marriage will make a difference unless accompanied by financial independence. Money really matters, because from a certain age, it basically determines what you can and cannot do. And I think that for me the freedom to choose anything in my life is what makes you an adult.

Stephen Grapes

Thus, physical changes are of little help in determining maturity. What about cultural? People go through coming-of-age ceremonies, like a quinceañera, a bar mitzvah, or a Catholic confirmation, and become adults. In fact, in today's society, a 13-year-old girl is still dependent on her parents after her bar mitzvah. She may have more responsibility in the synagogue, but this is only one step on a long and slow road to adulthood. The idea of ​​a coming-of-age ceremony suggests that there is some kind of button that can be pushed at the right moment.

Graduation at school and college - ceremonies created in order to press this button or throw a tassel on the confederate (The lyripip tassel is a very important element of academic dress. Those who continue their studies wear it on the right side of the confederate, while graduates have earned the right to wear it on the left. approx. New what) sometimes in hundreds of people at the same time. But people rarely immediately enter a full-fledged adult life, and graduations are far from a universal event. Both secondary and higher education played a big role in increasing the transition period between childhood and adulthood.

In the 19th century, a wave of educational reforms in the United States abolished the mess in the confusing system of school and home education, replacing it with public elementary and high schools with age-separated classes. And by 1918, every state had mandatory school attendance laws. According to Mintz, these reforms were intended to "create an institutional ladder for all youth that would allow them to reach maturity through pre-prepared rungs." Modern attempts to increase access to college have a similar goal.

The formalization of the transitional period, when people learn until they are 21 or 22, fits in well with what scientists know about brain maturation.

According to Steinberg, a student of puberty and brain development, around the age of 22 or 23, the brain is pretty much at the end of its development. This doesn't mean you can't keep learning - you can! Neuroscientists have found that the brain is still "plastic" - malleable and capable of change - throughout life. But the plasticity of the adult brain differs from the plasticity at the developmental stage, when new convolutions are still being created and unnecessary ones are being destroyed. The plasticity of the adult brain still allows for change, but at this stage the neural structures will not change.

“It's like the difference between a major overhaul and a redecoration of your home,” says Steinberg.

However, a large number of brain functions reach maturity before this period. The executive functions of the brain - logical thinking, planning, and other top-ranking thought processes - reach "a level of maturity by age 16 or so," according to Steinberg. So a 16-year-old teenager should perform just as well on logic tests as someone older.

Boris Sosnovy / Shutterstock / svetography / stevecuk / Fotolia / Paul Spella / The Atlantic

It takes a little longer to develop connections between the prefrontal cortex, which is responsible for the thought process, and the limbic system, which forms emotions and natural desires: fight, enjoy, eat and have fun, ”says James Griffin, deputy director of child development and behavior at NICHD ( National Institute for Child Health and Human Development). If these bonds are not fully formed, the person will tend to be impulsive. This partly explains the Supreme Court's decision to impose life sentence limits on young people. “New discoveries in the field of brain research and psychology consistently point to fundamental differences in the minds of an adult and a teenager,” the Court’s 2010 ruling stated. “For example, the areas of the brain responsible for self-control are still developing during late youth (approximately 18 years to 21 years old) ... Young people are more prone to change, so their misdeeds should not always be considered signs of an “irreversibly damaged personality” as opposed to the actions of adults.

However, according to Steinberg, the issue of maturity depends on the tasks at hand. For example, he believes that a person is able to vote from the age of 16 due to fully developed logical thinking, despite the fact that other areas of the brain are still developing. “You don't have to be 1.80m tall to reach a shelf that is 1.50m high,” confirms Steinberg. - “I think it would be difficult to name some of the abilities necessary in order to cast your vote consciously, which are developed after 16 years. A teenager's decision [in elections] will not be any dumber than what he will make when he becomes an adult."

As an OB/GYN, I often see how women deal with life changes. I see how young patients (about 20 years old) behave in an adult way, believing that they "know everything perfectly." I see these girls learning how to be moms, wish they had clear guidance - they are confused. Some are trying to recover after a divorce, and someone clings to youth after menopause. So I thought about growing up for a while.

I am a mother of three children of primary school age, I am married (unfortunately, unsuccessfully), and I still do not feel like an adult. When my husband cheated on me, it was a wake-up call. There were questions: “What do I want?”, “What makes Me happy?” I think that many, like me, went through life without thinking about it. At that moment, I, a 40-year-old woman, felt that I was becoming an adult, but this process has not yet been completed. When problems with marriage began, I turned to a psychotherapist (it should have been done at twenty). Only now am I beginning to learn and really understand myself. I don’t know if we will be able to save the marriage, and how this will affect me or the children in the future. I suspect that if I leave my husband, I will feel like an adult, because I will do something for myself.

It seems to me that the answer to the question "when you become an adult" is related to when you learn to perceive yourself. My patients who try to stop time and do not accept menopause do not seem like adults, although they may be in their 40s or 50s. Patients who are trying to cope with life's difficulties - that's who really matured. They are young, but they are able to accept any changes, unwanted changes in their body, constant sleep deprivation due to children - they accept what they cannot change.

In college, we had a professor who seemed to imagine himself a provocateur - at every opportunity he tried to drop a "truth bomb" on us. Many of these "bombs" bypassed me, but one hit the target. I don’t remember why, but one day in class he paused and announced, “At the age of 22 to 25, you will be miserable. I'm sorry, but if you're like the majority, you'll have to suffer."

The very word, “poop”, firmly stuck in my head, it was “wiped out”, like a smooth pebble - I remembered it every time the life I dreamed of eluded me. "Toil" is the right word to explain what happens to people of this age.

The difficulties faced by many young people aged 18-25 allowed Jeffrey Jensen Arnett in the late nineties to combine these years into one life stage called "maturity formation" - an indefinite transition period between adolescence and real maturity. Its limits are so unpredictable that Jensen Arnett, professor of psychology at Clark University, argues that both 25 and 29 years old can be considered the upper limit of this age. However, he believes that adolescence ends at 18, when people usually graduate from school and leave their parental home, being legally of age. The formation of maturity ends when a person is ready for it.

Such uncertainty gives rise to disagreements about whether it is appropriate to single out the formation of maturity as a separate life stage. Steinberg, for example, does not think so. “I am not a supporter of isolating the formation of maturity as a certain life stage. I think it makes more sense to think of it as an extension of adolescence." In his book Age of Opportunity, he determined that adolescence begins at puberty and continues until the person assumes adult social roles. He writes that in the 19th century, for girls, the period between the first menstruation and marriage took about five years. In 2010, this is already 15 years, as the age of menarche (first menstruation) has decreased and the age for marriage has increased.

Other critics of the concept of emerging maturity argue that it is not worth inventing a separate life stage just because the period between 18 and 25 (or is it 29?) is transitional. “There may be changes in the conditions of life, but human development cannot be compared with some simple changes,” writes the author of one such work.

“There are few examples in the literature that cannot be described in familiar terms—late adolescence or early adulthood,” writes sociologist James Coeté, author of another critical work.

“I tend to think that this whole discussion about what to call people of this age is just creating confusion. What's really important is that the transition period is taking longer and longer,” says Steinberg.

This is the case for many people who, a few years after leaving school, are free from their parents, are still unmarried and have no children.

In part, this can be explained by the fact that the roles of spouse and parent are now less regarded as necessary attributes of maturity.

In his research on this subject, Jensen Arnett focuses on what he called the "Big Three" criteria for maturity, which are considered the main attributes of an adult: self-responsibility, decision-making and financial independence. These three factors are highly valued not only in the US, but also in many other countries, including China, Greece, Israel, India, and Argentina. But in some cultures, other values ​​are included in this list. For example, in China, the ability to financially provide for one's parents is highly valued, and in India, the ability to physically protect the family.

Two of the Big Three factors are subjective. You can measure financial security, but how do you know that you are independent and responsible? These are things everyone has to decide for themselves. When developmental psychologist Eric Erickson outlined the main stages of human psychological development, each of them had a question that needed to be answered, (at best) at this stage. In adolescence, it is a matter of self-identity - you need to understand yourself and find your place in the world. At the stage of early adulthood, according to Erickson, attention switches to close communication, the formation of close friendships and romantic relationships.

Anthony Burrow, dean of human development at Cornell University, is looking into whether young people have a sense of purpose in life. He and his colleagues did a study and found that the goals of college students were related to well-being. According to Burrow's research, having a goal was associated with greater life satisfaction and a positive mood. They measured awareness of self-identity and life purpose by asking people to rate statements like "I'm looking for a purpose or mission in my life." The very fact of looking for one or the other very definitely indicates a more anxious state and less satisfaction with life. But another study showed that introspection is a step towards the formation of self-identity, and the more actively this process takes place in a person, the more likely it is that he will consider himself an adult.

In other words, toiling is not fun at all, but it is very important.

Late adolescence and early adolescence seems to be the best time to find yourself, because as you get older, life comes with new responsibilities. “Not only is it less introspective as an adult because of work or family commitments, it can also be too costly,” Burrow says. - “If you are engaged in finding yourself as an adult, if you did not have time to do it earlier, you are not only a very rare individual, but you will also face greater losses - physiologically, psychologically or socially - than the same efforts, but at a young age ".

Jensen Arnett sums it up with the words of Taylor Swift, a country singer in the age of emerging maturity, namely the words of the song "22". "She is right. We are simultaneously happy, free, confused and alone. It's very aptly said."

Let me start by saying that I am outraged by people in their 30s and 40s who claim that they feel like children, "find themselves", or don't know what they want to do "when they grow up".

I started studying medicine when I was in my early twenties. I then worked as an intern in San Francisco during the protracted HIV/AIDS epidemic. One day I went on a call to a seriously ill young man (he was younger than I am now) late at night. He had his boyfriend with him, definitely a long relationship, it was clear that he also had HIV. I told him that his boyfriend is dead.

That year, my colleagues and I had to talk about the death of a person to his family and friends: spouses, children, parents, brothers, sisters or friends. We told people they had cancer or HIV. We had to stay in the hospital for 36-hour shifts. Then I became an adult, and I was treated accordingly. Nobody cared about us, we were left to our own devices. And somehow we managed. Yes, we were young, sometimes it made itself felt, but we were no longer children. I think this experience helps us now that we are no longer medical students and live in a big city on a modest salary.

This is how I became an adult. Obviously, it is impossible to accurately answer the question of when a seedling turns into a tree. The same can be said about any slow process. All I can say is that I had the potential of an adult, I was ready to take responsibility. Your activities, belonging to something greater, feeling like a part of the historical process, peers - all this matters.

Without a goal, work, difficulties, without interaction with other people, you will probably feel like a child even at 35-40 years old - sometimes I meet such people! And it's terrible.

At every stage of life, according to Robert Havinghurst, (an outstanding researcher of the 20th century who dealt with educational issues - approx. New what), there is a list of "development tasks". In contrast to the individual criteria that are customary to give today, his tasks were quite specific: find a boyfriend / girlfriend, learn to live with your partner, raise children, master a profession, manage household chores. These are the traditional duties of an adult, they make up what I call being a 'Leave it to Beaver' adult. approx. New what), - values, for not respecting and not fulfilling which the generation of two thousandths is too often condemned.

"You're making a funny 'Leave it to Beaver' analogy," Jensen Arnett told me. "I remember this show, but I'm willing to bet it was taken off the air 30 years before you were born." (I watched the recording).

Havinghurst created his theory in the 40-50s, and the proposed set of tasks speaks of him as a person of that time. Thanks to the economic boom after World War II, "Leave it to Beaver" maturity was more accessible than ever before. Even for the youngest adults. Young people could easily get a job, writes Mintz. - So sometimes there was no need for higher education to find a decent job and support a family. In the society of that time, marriage was valued much higher than simple cohabitation, the result of which is work, wife, children.

But this is a historical anomaly. “Except for a short period after World War II, it was atypical for young people to reach the status of an accomplished adult before thirty,” writes Mintz. Just like Henry Thoreau, many successful people often had to try and fail. The past was not “overflowing” with super-responsible adults who dignifiedly wandered the streets in three-piece suits and, wearing glasses, studied tax documents and said: “hmm, yes, quite,” until today's youth with their idleness and slang destroyed it glorious time. Young people then also searched, tried, made mistakes and returned home; young women of the 19th century came to the city to find work with higher salaries than men. Before getting married, some young men had to wait for the death of their parents in order to receive an inheritance. Fortunately, today such a gloomy reason is not needed to postpone marriage.

Gillmar / stockyimages / FashionStock / Shutterstock / Paul Spella / The Atlantic

The golden age of easy growing up did not last long. Beginning in the 1960s, the average age at marriage began to rise, and a secondary education became more important for getting a job that would generate income for the middle class. Even for those who respected the values ​​of "Leave it to Beaver", it became increasingly difficult to achieve such well-being.

“I came to the conclusion that the reason for the hostility is the fact that everything has changed so quickly. Jensen Arnett says - People of the 50s, 60s or 70s compare the current generation and themselves in the days of their youth, and modern youth seems inferior to them. But for me, this belief is somewhat selfish, and it's funny, because it is precisely this, selfishness, that modern young people are accused of. I think egocentrism in this case is more likely to be inherent in the older generation.

According to Jensen Arnett, many young people still consider it their goal to build a career, get married, have children (or something similar). They just don't consider it a criterion of maturity. Unfortunately, there is no consensus in society and older people may not perceive a person as an adult without these attributes. In order to become an adult, it is important that other people perceive you as such, and following these attitudes can help you convince everyone (including yourself) that you have become responsible.

In the matter of maturity, just as in life, the main thing for a person in the end can be what he lacks. When she was in her early twenties, Williams Brown, author of the essay "Adulting," was mostly focused on her career, and that was her goal. But at the same time, she was a little jealous of her friends who were starting families. “It was very difficult to see what I wanted (and still want) and understand that others already have it and I don’t,” says Brown. - "Although I knew very well that the reason for this is my conscious decision."

Now Williams Brown is 31 years old, and about a week before we spoke, she got married. I asked her if she feels different, more mature, having achieved such an important goal in life?

“I was sure that I would not feel anything new, because my husband and I have been together for four years, most of this time we lived together,” she replied. “In terms of emotions… there was just a slight sense of constancy. The next day he told me that he felt young and old at the same time. Young, because this is a new stage in life, and old, because the main problem of many people from 20 to 30 years old is with whom to spend the rest of their lives, and the resolution of this problem seems to be a big and significant event.

“But there are still a couple of dirty dishes in my sink,” she added.

I think the only time I felt like an adult was when I was returning home from the D.Washington University clinic. I was riding in the back seat of a Honda Accord with my little newborn daughter. My husband was driving very carefully, and I kept my eyes on her ... I was worried that she was too small for the car seat, that she would suddenly stop breathing or her small head would tip over. It seems to me that then we could not believe that now we are responsible for this tiny little man. Back then our bible was What to Expect the First Year, we were totally responsible for a child's life, it was a dizzying feeling - a feeling of maturity. Suddenly there is someone you have to consider in every decision you make.

Deb Bissen

Now I am 53 and I remember one incident very well. It was 2009, my mother had to move from one nursing home to another. She had Alzheimer's, so I had to trick her into getting into the car. The other nursing home had a ward with tighter controls, which was the only option back then. It's not the first time I've told my mother "good lies" to convince her to do something, the same thing we often say to children. But that was the only time she realized that I lied to lure her out of the house, Then she looked at me with an understanding that I will never forget. I was married, but I had no children. Perhaps if I had a child, this experience would have made me an “adult”. Maybe being responsible for someone involves something like a "micro-betrayal." I dont know. I don't like to think about it. My mom died in 2013.

Of all the responsibilities of being an adult, the experience of parenting is most often cited as something life-changing. In feedback from readers on the question of when they felt like adults, the most common answer was - "When I had children."

This does not mean that you will not become an adult until you have children. But for people with children, this is the turning point. In a 1988 interview with Jensen Arnett, he writes that if one has a child, "it most often becomes the main criterion for personality transformation."

Some readers mention being responsible for someone else as a determining factor, the next step after "responsibility for oneself" in the "Big Three".

“I really felt like an adult the first time I held my baby,” writes Matthew, one of the readers. “Before that, I perceived myself as an adult in my 20s and 30s, but I never really felt it.”

If maturity, in Burrow's words, is "combining your own sense of responsibility with the fact that other people approve of this feeling and accept you as an adult," the child not only helps a person feel like an adult, but also convinces others of this. “The dual power of self-identity and purpose,” Burrow argues, “serves as a valuable currency in our society,” and while parenting provides both, many other sources remain.

“There are many things that make a person grow up,” says Williams Brown, “and many of them are related to children.” Readers also often mention the need to care for sick parents - the opposite situation, which can also be considered a prime example.

But all this does not happen so simply and quickly. There is no single moment, starting point. Most of the changes are gradual.
“Being an adult is not about giving the world big gestures or posting anything on Facebook. It's about more subtle things."

I waited a long time for the feeling that “I have become an adult” to appear. I am now 27 years old, married, self-supporting and manager of a successful hotel chain. I thought that because of all these things - age, marriage, career - I must have got that feeling.

Looking back, I think I asked the wrong question. I don't think I was really a child or a teenager. I started working at the age of 13, like all the children from my environment. We were from immigrant families and our parents earned little more than us. In families, we were often translators - people from banks and government agencies called our mothers or fathers and heard our teenage voices. I think some of us became adults long before we realized it.

With all this ambiguity and subjectivity around understanding exactly when a person really becomes an adult, NICHD's Griffin suggests thinking about it differently: "I practically insist that you look at your question from the other side," he told me. "When are you really a child?"

Everyone worries about a person taking on adult roles too late, but what about those who have children at 15? And those who are forced to take care of sick parents, as a child, or those who lost them at a very young age? Circumstances sometimes force people to become adults before they are ready for it.

“I've interviewed a lot of people who were like, 'Oh, I've grown up a long time ago,'” says Jensen Arnett. “And it almost always comes down to having to take responsibility much earlier than most people.” Can we say that these people have finally become adults?

"It's significant and important to me that there are some benefits to this," says Burrow. The benefits are not only who can afford to go to college and officially do research, but also the privilege of choosing when to take on an adult role and time to reflect. They can act in two directions: someone has the opportunity to cross the whole country to live alone and find a dream job; and someone may say that he is simply going to take money from his parents until he finds himself. Both options are perks.

Adult responsibilities can certainly fall on you like a bolt from the blue, and if the world considers someone an adult before that someone feels like an adult, this can cause complications. But a study by Burrow student Rachel Summer found that there was no difference between how goal-oriented adults who went to college and those who didn't were. Therefore, in order to find a purpose in life, such privileges are not necessary.

In the chapter on social class, Jensen Arnett writes: "We can argue that in the future there will be new ways to become an adult - an increasingly complex life only contributes to this." From a critical point of view, if maturity can be achieved in many different ways, then this process cannot be called something definite. But it is not for me to resolve this contradiction. One thing is clear: there are different ways to become an adult.

I don't like the word "adult". It is almost synonymous with the word "death". You seem to say goodbye to life force and yourself. It seems that for most people being an adult means to behave with more restraint and, as St. Paul said, "to throw away everything childish", to lose the passion for life.

A close friend of my father once said to me, “You’re not going to grow up, are you?” I was shocked; I'm 56, married, traveled a lot, have a master's degree and a stable career. Where did he even get it from? Here I thought. It took some time before I could understand how he came to this conclusion. I have never had children (this is my choice), therefore, I myself am not too different from a child.

I do not agree with his vision; I consider myself quite mature. After all, my students are more than half my age, my marriage is starting to crack, my hair is turning gray, and I'm paying all my own bills: hence, I'm an adult. My knees hurt, I'm worried about my future pension, my parents are quite old, and on our joint trips I already drive a car; so I just have to be an adult.

Being an adult is like a fish with scales in the water; you know that she is swimming somewhere nearby, that you can probably reach her or even touch her, but if you try to catch her, everything will collapse. But when it does succeed - at the funeral of a son-in-law or when you take a pet paralyzed from old age to be put to sleep - then you grab it with all your might, feeling every scale, but do not throw it back into the pond. You turn on David Bowie and sit on the lawn for a long time, watching adult life glisten in the sun. Then you lean back and sigh with relief - after all, at least today, all this is not about you.

Being an adult is not always something worth dreaming about. Independence can turn into loneliness. Responsibility for stress.

Mintz writes that culture has devalued adult life to some extent. “As we have been repeatedly told, adults lead nervous lives of quiet desperation. The classic coming-of-age novels written after World War II by Solomon Bellow, Mary McCarthy, Philip Roth, and John Updike are, among other things, tales of shattered dreams, unfulfilled ambitions, failed marriages, estrangement at work, and separation from family." He compares them to those 19th-century educational novels, coming-of-age novels in which people wanted to become adults. Perhaps this bifurcation of feelings about the perception of themselves as an adult is a split in their feelings about the very desire to be an adult.

Williams Brown divides the lessons she learned as an adult into three categories: "Take care of people, take care of things, and take care of yourself." There is also the debilitating remark: “If I don't buy toilet paper, I won't have toilet paper. If I am unhappy with my life, my work, my personal relationships, no one will come and change it for me.”

“We live in a youth culture that thinks life goes to hell after 26, or something like that,” says Mintz. But he finds inspiration, and even role models, in the old Hollywood take on adulthood, in movies with Cary Grant and Katharine Hepburn. “When I say that we must bring back adulthood, I am not talking about the need to bring back the tradition of early marriage and the early start of a career, as was the case in the 1950s. I'm talking about the fact that it's better to be aware than to be ignorant. Better to be experienced than inexperienced. It's better to be educated than green."

This is exactly what "adult life" is for Mintz. For Williams Brown, it's “being responsible for yourself. I am not responsible for making life different from what it really is."

In society, the perception of "adulthood" is like an ocean with too many rivers flowing into it. This may be expressed legally, but not literally. Science can help us understand maturity, but it cannot tell us the whole picture. Social norms are changing, people are abandoning traditional roles, or they are forced to try them on too early. You can track trends, but trends care little about one person's desires and values. Society can only determine the stage of life; people still have a lot to do to define themselves. Coming of age in general is an example of Impressionist painting: if you stand far enough away, you can see a blurry picture, but if you bury your nose in, you will see millions of tiny strokes. Imperfect, motley, but undoubtedly part of a larger whole.

Author: Julie Beck.
Original: The Atlantic.

They say that sooner or later all children grow up. Without a doubt, outwardly we are all growing up, but what happens in the psyche?

The question of when a person matures and what kind of person is called an adult can be considered in different ways.

When can a person be considered an adult?

If you ask different people about what an adult is, you will probably get answers like: "Growing up is when you already think about work, family ...", etc. This is partly correct opinion, but not always. We are accustomed to equating adulthood with some specific attitudes and goals in life, such as the fact that an adult works, creates a family, and gives birth to children. And what, for example, to be with children who are forced to earn extra money, including playing instruments in the street? Or, for example, a very young girl became pregnant through negligence and is now going to give birth and raise a child, although she is not yet ready for this? Of course, in many of these situations, children grow up very quickly, but this is not always the case.

In fact, the question of adulthood is much more multifaceted and complex. Outwardly, the adulthood of a person is manifested in a well-developed figure in terms of secondary sexual characteristics, which indicates that the person is fully formed physically and is ready for procreation. In this sense, adults can be considered, for example, already older teenagers about 17 years old.

Qualities of an adult

However, appearance alone is not enough to recognize a person as a full-fledged adult. It is important to pay attention to the character of a person, his qualities, habits, etc. So, we can single out the most general list of these parameters for an adult:

• In an adult, self-control and reason prevail. Yes, an adult also sometimes wants to give up on everything, make a scandal to an unpleasant person, go to have fun with the last money, not thinking about tomorrow, but an adult understands what this is fraught with, and therefore behaves within the framework of decency and reason.
• Responsibility is a pronounced quality of an adult. He himself takes responsibility for his life, without dumping it on anyone. An adult is able to provide material stability, to arrange a life for himself in the most accessible and comfortable way on his own. He sets goals for himself, plans them, and then achieves them. When an adult understands that he is ready and wants, he can take responsibility for the life of another person - this is how an adult has a family and children.
• Separately, it is worth considering the issue of infantilism - a certain "childishness", lightness of character, capriciousness. There are many adults who can be called infantile. They live one day without thinking about the future, indulge their momentary desires, give themselves up to emotions, like children, behave in accordance with their desires and moods, without thinking about others. But if we talk about the classical understanding of adulthood, then such a person left infantilism behind him - in childhood and adolescence. An adult has certain principles, rules and priorities that he follows, as he already understands who he is now and who he wants to be later.

That is the basis. All other distinctive qualities and features of an adult are either based on it, or are additional and individual.

As a child, everything was quite simple. We were too young to make decisions, so our parents did it for us. Nurtured, nurtured, nurtured. But over the years, the child becomes more and more independent, he no longer wants to be thought and decided for him, he strives to do all this himself, to live his life himself. Unfortunately, this is often very difficult for parents to accept, for many reasons.

The first of these reasons is the loss of control, power over your child. We have to admit that the child has already grown up, and, consequently, the parents themselves have grown old. It seems that quite recently the child needed them completely and completely, but today, it turns out, he already has his own opinion, his own experience, the desire to live his own life. This is especially difficult for those parents who lived “for children”. It is hard for them to admit that the child has become an adult and independent, because with him almost the whole meaning of their life falls out! After all, often the whole rhythm of their life, their whole existence was for children, in the name of children. Recognizing the growing up of a child means leaving a huge blank spot filled with nothing. They, in fact, do not have their own lives, their hobbies, even often well-established relationships with their spouse and other relatives, friends and acquaintances. And with age it is more terrible and more difficult - to rethink your life and fill in these gaps ...

When I moved in with my grandmother after the divorce, I just had to deal with this. It was a little easier to build a relationship with my mother, because we don’t see each other every day, and she also has my younger brother, that is, it was somehow easier for her to accept my separation and growing up. But with my grandmother, everything was much more complicated. There were conflicts and quarrels on many occasions. And it was hard for me to bear it. I, who is already a mother herself, is being treated like a little girl! But, after analyzing the situation, I realized that the meaning of my grandmother's whole life was in children (and then in grandchildren and great-grandchildren). So she feels her life is not meaningless, she feels needed. If she admits now that I really have grown up and do not need control - and what will she have left? Almost nothing.

Closely connected with this reason is another, namely, the inability to love. Yes, as scary as it is to admit, many of us do not know how to truly love. This is the problem of many generations. Parents who did not know how to love did not teach their children, and those, in turn, did not teach their children. And the lack of healthy views in society on this sphere of relations also has a strong effect.

Because of the inability to love, another trouble often grows - the inability to communicate, to express one's thoughts and feelings. And we, the children of our parents, also tend to do this. Parents feel that they are “losing” us, they are scared and they voluntarily or involuntarily try to “keep” their children. Children, feeling pressured, inevitably "pull back", try to protect their personal boundaries and, as a result, may minimize their contact with their parents, not talking to them, not sharing. And in order to somehow restore communication, the parents begin to swear, scandal - after all, what no, but communication, the exchange of feelings and emotions. They suffer from a lack of attention, that's how they get it. And the problem only gets worse...

What is the way out of this vicious circle? This is, of course, the organization of normal communication. It is not necessary to lay out your whole soul in front of your parents, but you need to qualitatively change communication. To be interested in affairs, to ask about something, to ask for opinions or advice. Such signs of attention will make it clear to parents that, in spite of everything, their children still need them. Many times it is not necessary - to listen and nod. Sometimes - to tell some news. Ask their opinion on some household chore. Ask for help with something, thank for the help. All this seems to be trifles, but they are our small contribution to establishing normal, healthy relationships with our relatives.

Also, do not forget about "switching attention." To interest parents in something interesting, so that they have their own hobby, and try to support them in this - sometimes talk about it, ask, be interested in their success. For example, the appearance of a new pet at home, a small kitten, helped me in this. And although my grandmother never burned with passion for our smaller brothers, this feline baby conquered her. Due to the hardships experienced, he was rather weak, but at the same time very affectionate. He gladly walked into her arms, purred, rolled around her neck. And my grandmother got another center for making efforts.

Another nuance is the perception by the children themselves of their parents. It often happens that even adults treat their parents a little childishly, perceiving them as some kind of arbitrators, infallible judges, sometimes very painfully regarding their assessment of their actions and decisions. But is this attitude right? No, it's wrong. It is necessary to remove parents from this pedestal. They are just people who can also make mistakes, succumb to emotions, give incorrect assessments. We have to recognize and accept this. Then the reaction to parental disapproval will not be so painful, it will be perceived sensibly, because people's opinions on some issues may not coincide.

It often happens that the “rebellion” against parents is also due to this perception of parents by the child. Rebellious, the child tries to prove to himself that he does not care about the opinion of his parents, that he does not depend on him, and for this he specifically does the opposite, in order to further emphasize his “adulthood”. Another example of such a misperception is that a child who has not received enough attention and praise from his parents, then can try all his life for this, trying to prove that he is “worthy”, so that he is finally well appreciated and praised ...

Separately, I would like to say about conflicts. Still, no matter how healthy relationships are built, it’s hard to get away from conflicts, especially at first.

When I first started living with my grandmother, it was extremely painful for me to hear what she said during quarrels. “How can a loved one say such things? Hit often on weak spots? It is hard to accept this from relatives, from whom I would like, first of all, support and understanding ...

Very often, what is said in the heat of quarrels is not really criticism and insults of us, but an inner cry of helplessness. This is how a person works, that it is sometimes difficult for him to admit his guilt, it is much easier to accuse someone else of something. But the conscience does not sleep, therefore these accusations often pour out in the form of screams. It is important to be able to feel it sometimes. So, for example, behind the words “You will never marry, no one needs you (you will never marry, but who needs you)” hides the fear of loneliness, the fear of losing a child, for “you can’t do anything” - “I failed you teach”, for “you bring me down” - “I can no longer influence you and I’m scared of it.” It is important at the time of the conflict to switch from your wounded pride and be able to pity the offending parent, to understand that he is already so bad, a storm is raging in his soul, therefore you should not treat such phrases as a critical assessment of yourself and reciprocate. One can compare such a person with a delirious patient - after all, none of us thinks to be seriously offended by what a person in unconsciousness says. Also, you should not try to justify yourself or prove something, it is better to wait a bit, when the passions subside and the ability to think logically comes into play. Then you can try to express your opinion.

The main thing is not to break into mutual insults, reproaches and showdown, not to shout. It won't bring anything good, it will only make it worse. Because then there will be a feeling of guilt that is difficult to drown out. But if you can’t resist, then it’s important to understand all this at least later and take the first step towards reconciliation. This is an act worthy of an adult.

And, finally, I would like to note. Whatever our parents are, we still love them and we should be grateful to them for giving us life and raising us. Even if they didn't do it the way you would like it to. We are all human and we are not immune from mistakes. And the best way to build relationships with anyone is to try to change yourself, and not wait for the change from the other person.

Aging is a multidimensional process, but in most cases, the focus is on the medical aspect of late age changes. Meanwhile, for family members, the aging of parents is a much more complex problem than the disease itself. Even full awareness of the state of health of an elderly person, of the procedures and medicines prescribed for him, does not save children from the question: how to live next to the elderly, how to help them and themselves in this difficult period of life for everyone.

Written in textbook form, American psychotherapist Joseph A. Ilardo, Ph.D., is one of the few that fills a gap in this area. G. A. Ilardo's advice is based on his many years of practice, but is not medical, but rather psychological in nature. How adult children cope with feelings of irritation and guilt, how to overcome the estrangement that arises between family members of different generations, what to do when mental abnormalities appear in elderly parents, how to cope with grief caused by their death - these are approximately the range of issues considered in the book.

The Russian reader, perhaps, will find the author's persistent optimism and the classifier method used by him, which allows meticulously laying out all the phenomena “on the shelves”, unusual and somewhat naive. However, in evaluating this work, one must keep in mind both the special nature of American medicine and the clearly expressed instructive nature of the book, conceived not only as an invitation to reflection, but also as a practical guide to action.

The author attaches paramount importance to the awareness of family members regarding the very phenomenon of old age, its physiological and emotional nature. Without a rational knowledge of this issue, freed from prejudices and various mythological layers, he believes, it will be very difficult for adult children to build correct, caring relationships with aging parents. Accordingly, the first chapter of the book is a small practical information compendium based on the latest achievements in gerontology and geriatrics.

First of all, Ilardo emphasizes the individual nature of aging, which should not be obscured by the general similarity of the changes that occur with all older people, and requires a thoughtful and heartfelt personal approach in dealing with them. Moreover, in the body and psyche of each person, numerous aging processes develop at different rates and - which is especially interesting - largely independently of each other, and each of these processes can, in principle, be influenced by special methods. Finally, one of the main points underlying the book is that aging is not necessarily associated with degradation and disease.

Modern gerontology distinguishes two levels of aging: primary, including purely physiological, genetically determined processes, and secondary, determined by the lifestyle of the individual, past illnesses and possible injuries. The primary ones are mainly trophic changes (i.e., associated with the functioning of hormonal substances in the body), which lead to a decrease in skin elasticity, a reduction in bone mass, the number of muscle fibers, to a weakening of the senses, etc. To some - insignificant - Medicine has only recently learned how to influence these processes. Secondary aging is another matter. It is not always possible to prevent accidents, but we still choose our lifestyle. It is known that the health of an elderly person to a very large extent depends on the diet, physical activity, tobacco and alcohol use, not only in old age, but also in younger years.

Perhaps the most frightening environment for an aging person is the changes that affect the brain and the activity of the nervous system. In this regard, the author makes several important distinctions, while at the same time pointing out to the reader a number of common misconceptions. First of all, he notes that it is impossible to identify the brain and thinking. With age, the brain functions less intensively as a physiological organ, but intellectual skills, the power of abstract thinking, and its individual traits may still be pronounced. The quality of thought is largely determined by the level of its complexity and how accurately it interprets reality. An older person may process information more slowly, but be accurate and deep in their judgments. In addition, studies have found that a person's mental abilities increase as a result of exercise, similar to his physical strength. From here, as well as from his own practice, the author draws an encouraging, although unexpected for many, conclusion: a person is capable of learning at any age, his intellect is not necessarily subject to destruction. However, a clarification is needed here. We can talk about two components of intelligence: "plastic" (fluid) and "crystallized" (crystallized). The first is included in the work in cases where it is necessary to respond to unexpected events, quickly find a non-trivial way out. This faculty of the intellect develops from constant use and, on the contrary, weakens if it is not used. The second component is “responsible” for the assimilation of information, oral and written expression of feelings and thoughts, it not only does not fade away, but is able to improve with age, for which there are many examples. As for the widespread phenomenon of senile dementia, its author does not hesitate to attribute it to the consequences of brain diseases and does not consider it as an indispensable sign of “normal” aging.

Turning to the consideration of the emotional consequences of aging, sometimes very severe, Ilardo remains true to his methodology, dividing them into two main categories. To the first category, he refers emotional experiences associated with the bitter experience of previous years: loneliness, loss of loved ones, loss of hope for the future, deprivation of former physical attractiveness, authority, social status, etc. To the second - emotional states caused by a sharp narrowing of the circle of physical human capabilities.

However, old age brings not only negative emotions. For many people, old age is a time of well-deserved peace, the realization of a well-lived life. Psychoanalyst Erik Erickson notes that a dignified and harmonious old age is highly characterized by concern for the next generation. This care is often non-material: an old person shares his wisdom with his children and grandchildren, wants to warn them against his mistakes.

The first chapter ends with a little practice test. The author gives a number of typical situations that arise in families where there are old people, and invites the reader to mentally put himself in the place of their adult children. Here is one of them, for example. An older person increasingly begins to repeat the same stories from his childhood or youth. There are several types of reactions to this to choose from: a) remind him that he has already talked about it, b) each time pretend that you hear it for the first time, c) reproach him for repeating the same thing over and over. The author himself considers the most acceptable type of behavior a) as the most respectful and honest.

In the second chapter, the emphasis is on the emotional state of children, often very acutely experiencing the aging of their parents. As we grow up, our parents appear to us as omnipotent, omniscient people who can be relied upon for everything. The loss of confidence in parental "infallibility" always deals a serious blow to the feelings of other family members, makes them reconsider a lot in their attitude to life.

Ilardo breaks the material he has collected into several blocks. First, he describes how adult children experience a time when, in front of their eyes, a father and mother, until recently full of life, gradually lose physical strength, intellectual security and self-confidence. The natural reaction of children to all this is anxiety and sadness. And only with a lack of love and mutual respect in the family, children develop anger, irritation and even hatred towards their parents. Ilardo lists the typical emotions experienced by children whose parents begin to grow old before their eyes.

At first, unexpected signs of aging surprise and amaze those around you. So, the mother of one of Ilardo's clients, who until recently carefully monitored her appearance and made caustic remarks about the outfits of other women, for some time began to appear in public sloppyly dressed and unkempt, which led her daughter to extreme confusion. As a rule, such indifference is explained not by the fact that a person loses observation and ceases to be aware of his own actions, but by the fact that he loses his taste for life. In this case, ordinary antidepressants helped, the aging lady returned to her previous type of behavior for a long time.

Sometimes children are not able to internally come to terms with the real and bitter fact that their parents have grown old, and then they have a reaction of rejection and distrust - they prefer not to notice the manifestations of old age in their parents and behave as if nothing has changed. Someone stubbornly does not want to admit to himself that his mother is no longer able to arrange family dinners for twenty people and, as if nothing had happened, invites a large group of relatives into the house. Someone refuses to believe that his father, until recently such a healthy man, suddenly fell ill with cancer, and does not come to his hospital. All these reactions appear in the first stages of aging of the parents. Children need time to get used to the changes that are taking place.

The next group of reactions occurs after the realization that the parents have indeed moved into the category of old people. A whole fan of negative emotions - resentment, discontent, impatience, a feeling of devastation, etc. - arises in cases where in previous years there was no mutual understanding between parents and children or parents behaved “not like parents” at a younger age. The reaction of “intellectualization” is curious, which consists in the fact that children, unable to withstand the severity of their own experiences, sometimes begin to replace the natural feeling of compassion with an in-depth study of medical and psychological literature about old age.

As a special category, the author singles out the emotions that arise in adult children when they begin to try on the situation of aging for themselves. Looking at their parents, children inevitably think about their own future fate, and the consequences of this are far from always negative. Often they experience fear and confusion in the face of approaching old age and its accompanying illnesses, but sometimes it is different. Ilardo remembers one of his clients. She was a businesslike, purposeful woman leading a rather conservative lifestyle. One of her schoolgirl daughters dreamed of becoming a fashion model, but her mother did not want to hear about it and imperiously directed her daughter on the path of academic study. And only after her own elderly mother fell seriously ill, did the strict lady soften, subjecting her life values ​​to a deep revision. “Why have I hindered my daughter’s cherished desires for so many years?” she asked herself bitterly, and could find no answer. After that, she allocated a significant amount to hire a photographer and create a portfolio for her daughter. In addition, she significantly changed her lifestyle, which from now on could be called moderate hedonism. The tragic event gave a new dimension to her life, which became much richer and more interesting.

Very often, adult children are unable to cope with their emotions, they experience nervous breakdowns. They may begin to yell at their aging parents, treat them dismissively or even aggressively. Quarrels arise between younger members of the family, they begin to have troubles at work, headaches, and other painful somatic manifestations - the consequences of prolonged depressive states. In such cases, the author strongly recommends contacting a psychologist or, perhaps, some clergyman. To help the reader understand himself, the book contains a small questionnaire, the answers to the questions of which allow us to judge whether our reactions to what is happening are natural or have already acquired a painful character.

So far, the author has talked about how the aging process affects individuals - parents and children. In the third chapter, the object of his attention is the family as an integral organism, as a system that responds in a special way to various “perturbations”, whether internal (such as aging and illness of parents) or external (intrusion into the life of a family by strangers - doctors, psychologists, etc., whose recommendations have to be responded to in some way and whose work must be paid). Any system, while it remains such, tends to maintain equilibrium. Accordingly, Ilardo considers different types of family reactions to new life circumstances as either consistent with this goal (i.e., normal) or as contrary to it (harmful, unhealthy).

The main idea of ​​the author is that in the changed conditions, when the older members of the family cease to play their former role in it, become helpless and often require increased attention to themselves, the sometimes unconscious desire of people to conserve the existing family structure, to preserve role roles in an unchanged form is very detrimental. relationships that go back to early childhood. Long-standing rivalry between children, settling old scores, envy of parental “favorites”, vanity of an “exemplary child” - all this, especially in conditions of stress, financial difficulties, difficult moral experiences, etc., can lead to very sad results, destructive for the family. The author, on the contrary, calls for flexibility and openness. It is desirable, he writes, to distribute responsibilities among younger members of the family so that everyone uses their strengths: someone is better at negotiations with doctors, lawyers, psychologists, someone cares for the elderly, etc. However, he is convinced in that truly complex structural problems cannot be solved "from within" the family team and require the indispensable third-party help of a psychologist.

It is important to understand that the aging of parents is not only part of their life cycle, but also part of the family life cycle. In this sense, the situation of aging parents is normal, every family faces it in one way or another, and every family must get out of this crisis - otherwise it will cease to exist. The third chapter of the book, devoted to this problem, is largely formalized, filled with diagrams and tables, reflecting in detail the correct phases of the evolution of the family as a system and the undesirable course of its development, possible mistakes, an approximate agenda for family councils, etc. The author owns a huge amount of empirical material, presents it professionally and adequately, however, it can be assumed that the domestic reader will shake his head in bewilderment more than once, turning over these pages. The notorious difference of mentalities is affecting. Let's leave it to everyone to judge for themselves how applicable to Russian conditions is, for example, the author's recommendation. If at a large family council, assembled to solve urgent problems, someone begins to clearly dominate, “hammering” the remarks of the rest of the family members, you should choose a chairman and regulate the time of each speech ...

One of the most important problems for family life is the mental health of its older members. In the fourth chapter, Ilardo identifies two types of mental abnormalities in the elderly: mental disorder and nervous disorder.

It should be noted that the concept of the norm itself is ambiguous. Some psychologists give it the meaning of an ideal. They consider normal only those people who have fully realized themselves in life, are happy, active and satisfied with their existence. For others, the term "normal" means a state of predictable reactions. The norm can also be understood statistically and mean the behavior and emotions characteristic of a given social group. From this point of view, memory lapses in people over 65 can be considered normal. In practical psychology, such an approach to the norm is widespread: the norm is a state that allows a person to live a normal everyday life, communicate with others, and solve everyday and other problems that arise before him.

The author lists in detail the main factors that serve as prerequisites for mental disorders. Firstly, these are physiological causes: brain aging, sleep disturbance and various somatic diseases. (All these phenomena are completely natural in themselves, they only increase the likelihood of mental disorders.) Secondly, these are various changes in the emotional perception of the world, which the author considers even more significant than physical aging. In a society where youth and health are valued primarily, the old person experiences loneliness, bitterness associated with the loss of former authority, power, etc. Both types of factors are closely interconnected. Thus, hearing loss can lead not only to a sense of isolation, but also to excessive suspicion, in some cases even to paranoia. In addition, physical infirmity deprives a person of personal space in which he is the master, and a sense of independence. Therefore, the author advises, when surrounding an elderly person with care, one must be extremely careful not to make him feel helpless. It is impossible to release the elderly from all family responsibilities, it is necessary to carefully consider what activities they will be able to do, and thus involve them in common life. Realizing their weakness, older people begin to fear becoming a burden for the family and being rejected by the family because of this.

Social factors are highlighted in a separate section. Retirement is accompanied by a sharp decline in a person's income. Retirees begin to save on everything they can - on food, telephone conversations, electricity, and often they behave this way even if the children have enough money to support them - and all for the same reason: out of fear of being in burden on the family. Old people are often insulted, they are inattentive. And this happens not so much because of changes in the behavior of the elderly themselves, but because of the fact that children do not want to delve into the needs of their parents. Helping them physically and financially, they often deny them the emotional, human support that they need in the first place.

Regarding mental disorders in general, it is important to understand the following.

These deviations are nothing to be ashamed of. The taboo of mental illness goes back to the time when they were seen as a sign of possession by the devil. Nowadays, many problems can be solved by visiting a psychologist or medication.

The appearance of mental disorders is not a sign of weakness of character. To think so is also to follow an archaic prejudice. Many patients experience shame when they see a specialist, believing that if they were stronger, they could cope with their illness themselves. However, the situation is exactly the opposite: going to the doctor is a manifestation of strength, not weakness. There are diseases that a person, in principle, cannot cope with on his own.

It should also not be thought that prescriptions for medicines are a doctor's unsubscribe or a way to "drive illnesses inside." Today, it is indisputably established that many mental disorders arise due to improper functioning of the brain. For example, depression is the result of low levels of serotonin in the body. There are modern remedies that in most cases relieve the problem of depression. However, it is important to remember that you need to treat the cause, not the effect.

With all the positive influence of a favorable home climate, love and care of loved ones, it must be remembered that in cases of mental deviations it is absolutely necessary to consult a specialist.

Turning to a conversation about the elderly who are entering the last phase of their lives, Ilardo emphasizes the need for careful planning for further care for them. In this regard, it is necessary to take into account all possible options for the further development of events, since, alas, there are few such options. When making important decisions, he writes, one must first take into account the wishes of the elderly parents themselves (of course, if their mind remains clear enough). One of the first and cardinal questions to be decided in these cases by American readers of this book is whether to leave the old person in a family where it is very difficult to provide him with proper care, or to place him in a nursing home. Ilardo makes many arguments in favor of home care. For Russia, this issue, apparently, will remain irrelevant for a long time - due to the established tradition, as well as the small number and squalor of our nursing homes.

In most cases, older people want to stay at home as long as possible - their home gives a feeling of confidence, security, everything is familiar and familiar in it. Old people don't handle change well. Relationships with friends and neighbors are also very important. In addition, the presence of parents at home, albeit aging and infirm, has a calming effect on children.

The decision to leave an elderly person at home comes with a lot of responsibility. It is necessary to carefully consider everything that can be done in the apartment in order to ensure its safety. For example, a non-slip mat is needed in the bathroom, if possible, thresholds inside the apartment should be removed, when cooking it is better to use self-switching appliances - a microwave oven and electric kettles, the most necessary items should be easily accessible. It is also necessary to make changes related to a person’s personal illnesses: for the hearing impaired, for example, it is necessary to install a loud doorbell and telephone, for the visually impaired, bright light and, if possible, use contrasting colors in the environment. It is impossible to list all the recommendations, but the easiest way to understand what changes need to be made is if you take the place of an elderly person, try to look at his surroundings through his eyes.

Old age ends sooner or later, and a person enters the last phase of his life's journey - the last days before death.

Ilardo is a staunch opponent of artificial life extension for hopelessly ill patients. In the seventh chapter, he gives a brief typological description of all the participants in the final drama in the life of an old man. These are, firstly, representatives of the hospital administration, who - out of fear of possible prosecution - use all conceivable and unthinkable technical means to support the physical functioning of the body. These are, secondly, doctors who, from the student's bench, are taught to support the life of the patient "at any cost" and who perceive the death of each patient - the natural end of life - as their own defeat. Further, these are sisters and junior medical personnel. These people, being all the time next to the dying, perhaps, like no one else, feel the senselessness and cruelty of prolonging methods, but they, under the threat of dismissal, cannot deviate one iota from the prescriptions of the attending physician. And finally, the most important thing is the patient and his family. Sociological studies have shown that medical personnel of hospitals prefer "good" patients to "bad", i.e., obedient and weak-willed ones - independent, inquisitive, interested in the course of treatment and defending their rights. Meanwhile, practice shows that it is the “bad” patients who go through all the phases of the disease more easily than the “good” ones. The bulk of patients and their relatives obediently follow the instructions of doctors, yielding to their pressure.

The author considers it absolutely unacceptable from a moral point of view that the most important medical decisions are made without taking into account the wishes of the dying person and his relatives. Ilardo himself is a supporter of the "Right to Die" movement, which arose in America as a reaction to several factors. The technical revolution that affected medicine made it possible to maintain the patient's vegetative existence for an arbitrarily long time. Dying has become a very costly, high-tech sterile process, under the complete control of the hospital's medical staff. The number of rumors and stories about the last months, if not years, of agonizing patients has exceeded, so to speak, a critical mass. These stories were passed from mouth to mouth and until the late 1970s, almost did not penetrate the media. Meanwhile, their content, without exaggeration, chilled the soul. In the name of “correct medicine”, involving the patient’s relatives and himself in an exhausting competition with death, destinies were crippled, families were ruined and collapsed. Eventually, the medical community came under attack from both ends of the spectrum. Some families, exhausted by the endless agony of a person close to them, initiated criminal cases in the courts against doctors who, in their opinion, ignored the rights of patients and their own, others, brought up by modern culture, for which death is the worst of evils, on the contrary, filed for them to court for medical errors, due to which the patient was allegedly "lost". As a result, according to many observers, medicine has become more concerned with insulating itself from possible lawsuits than with the welfare of patients. During this tense period, the very concept of death turned into a legal term, and at the same time - through the efforts of ethicists, lawyers, doctors - it underwent significant corrosion and lost its shape. In former, more "simple" times, death was recorded in irreversible cardiac arrest, then the cessation of the brain, then its individual sections, etc. began to serve as an indicator. professionals to hear the voice of the patient, to make sure that in the last days he remains the master of himself and his last hours, and not a victim of circumstances and an object of medical manipulation.

In 1991, the US Congress passed the Patient Self-Determination Act, according to which every patient entering a hospital must be informed of their rights. In addition, the patient must be asked if he has a so-called "living will" with him, which would contain the so-called preliminary instructions regarding the subsequent medical measures that should be applied in case of his further incapacity. (A separate clause of the law stipulates that the patient's care and treatment should not depend on the presence of a living will.) many contradictions and pitfalls. Ilardo devotes a dozen pages of his book to a detailed analysis of the possible interpretation of controversial places in the will form itself, as well as recommendations for filling it out.

The last chapter of the book is devoted to how different people experience the death of their parents. Ilardo describes in detail the various types of reactions to this tragic event. The quintessence of his reasoning is, perhaps, the following idea: the main condition for the normal flow of emotions is the openness of family members to each other. There is nothing more pernicious than the inability to cry, to sincerely express your emotions. It is very important to internally accept the natural course of things and, on the one hand, not to impose a ban on your emotions and the emotions of other people, on the other hand, not to try to artificially prolong the feeling of bitterness and grief, which otherwise can turn into a chronic mental disorder.

Daria Belokryltseva